son of a bitch
by pudding5
Summary: Dean fights with Castiel and Sam finds out how much the Angel cares for the hunter.


The door slammed behind Dean as he walked down the stairs, "son of a bitch" floating behind him on the summer air. It was all Sams fault, well Sam and Castiels fault. If HIS angel hadn't almost lost his grace saving Dean's arse again; and Sammy hadnt decided that to help Cas recover he decided he would lease this cabin on the lake for a month, with no hunting allowed, Dean wouldnt be going stir crazy now.

Wait, back up a bit, did Dean just call Cas HIS angel! Thinking it over Dean rationalized it to himself, yes Cas was his, just like Sammy was, it wasnt weird at all. And besides he hadnt said it out loud. Had he? He went over the argument again. Cas had invaded his personal space again (really his angel had no concept of boundries) and Dean called him on it, yet again, then Cas got that kicked puppy look. And then Sam had jumped down HIS throat, calling him an ungrateful jerk! And to get over himself. That was when Dean stormed out.

They were lucky there was no neighbours for miles. Just acres and acres of woods and a huge arse lake, just right for drowning assbutts later, Dean decided. Revenge could wait and thought a skinny dip would cool him off, he would apologize later.

Stripping off his tshirt jeans and boots he jumped in and submerged for a while. When he eventually surfaced he realized that the problem wasnt with his angels poor social skills that was the problem, it was that DEAN wanted Cas to be closer. HE wanted to be near Cas, NO HE WANTED TO BE INSIDE CAS ALL THE TIME.

WAIT INSIDE CAS! Dean nearly drowned right then as it hit him. He was IN LOVE WITH CASTIEL! Never mind cas was a guy, he was AN ANGEL OF THE LORD! And Deans best friend, thats why he aways called Cas HIS. And the odd feeling of loss he felt everytime Cas had to poof back to heaven.

Oh man, Sammy was going to have a field day with this. Hell he would rag on Dean the rest of his unnatural life. About this. What was he going to do about it. He certainly couldn't go in there now and admit it. He had no idea how Cas felt about him, apart from saying they had a profound bound from when Cas raised him from hell. Unconciously his hand reaches up to find the handprint Cas left on his shoulder.

His angel wouldnt understand what Dean was trying to get at anyway. Look at his first time in a brothel. No, dean thought, he would just leave things as they were. Just maybe not rag Cas about personal space all the time. He would have to sometimes so Sammy wouldnt suspect anything, but Dean had lived through Hell. He would get through unrequited love the way he did all things, booze, violence and the odd one night stand.

He heard footsteps on the dock and glanced up to see Cas standing there with a towel. "Dean " he said "Sam asked me to tell you lunch is ready when you are and to bring you a towel." Dean was glad that the water was cool as the sight of Cas with Deans thoughts of being inside him would have made for a very uncomfortable conversation. (Pizza Delivery Man akward).

"Oh of course I'll be right in. Oh and Cas i didnt mean it about personal space thing. I'm just going stir crazy with nothing to do. I'm not used to it. "Thats fine Dean" Cas replied "I'm used to it. Dean felt ashamed at that moment and asked softly "Do I really sound angry at you all the time?" Cas answered "No, not all the time, I just said that because I still dont know how to act around humans.

Dean felt a chill at those words and his heart died a little as he realized that he could never have anything like a normal relationship with his angel. He smothered that regret with a laugh and just said "Dude I'm wet and naked so you better step back a bit so i can get out. Cas did and when he just stayed looking Dean thought, "What the hell, he could always embellish it later in his thoughts and boosted himself up. He reached for the towel Cas still held, he seemed transfixed by something and Dean hoped it might be the sight of his wet, naked body giving Cas naughty thoughts but knowing his angel, Dean thought it probble that he hadnt seen anyone skinny dip before.

"Hey dude, sorry about the nakedness thing, I needed to cool off and I didnt want to get changed." Cas gave a start . "That is alright dean I am used to the naked human form." And still stood staring. Dean thought "Well there goes any idea of giving his angel naughty ideas by flaunting himself in front of him." He started to get a little uncomfortable at having his angel stare so intently at him. "Cas, dude I need that towel coz Sammy gets cross when we are late for lunch and you're staring at and it's getting weird." "Oh sorry Dean, I didnt realise that you were still scarred, I rebuilt you to be perfect.!" Dean looked at himself confused until Cas said "My handprint is still on you."

"Oh that. Yeah dude you get gripped by an angel and dragged out of Hell you gotta expect some sort of reminder." "I could heal that if you want" Cas said softly. "No" said Dean equally softly "I like the reminder that some cared enough about me to drag my sorry butt out of a situation that I got myself into. Dean quickly cleared his throat uncomfortable as always with any talk about feelings "Well I better get dressed and see what rabbit food Sammy has prepared for us today." "It's not salad" Cas said "Sam drove in to town and bought cheeseburgers. I asked him to get apple pie as well."

Dean's mouth watered at the thought of pie and stopped with his shirt half over his head as he got the gist of what Cas just said. "Did you just say you asked Sam to buy pie?" Dean asked the words partly muffled through his shirt. "Yes" said Cas "I thought it would make up for my crowding you all the time."

"Cas, you have nothing to make up for. I was the asshat. I should be buying you pie. "I have no need to consume food Dean, you know that." "Cas, PIE is not food. It's sex for your taste buds." "I dont understand what you mean Dean.

Dean just laughed and throwng his arm around Cas' neck he ruffled his angel's already scruffy hair, just like he used to do to Sammy when he was little. "Dean, what are you doing?" Cas asked, getting that adorable head tilt he got when humans confused him. "it's a sign of affection dude. Dont freak out, I used to do it to Sammy all the time. At least before he became the sasquatch!" Dean laughed "Anyway I wont do it again if you dont like it" Dean said hoping that Cas wouldnt realize that Dean still had his arm around him "No Dean, I like it very much, but where is it an appropriate use of affection." Deans throat was dry as he said "That maybe you just should just not use it because to most everyone it is annoying."

cas couldnt understand that so dean tried to explain that when you did it to a child it was like saying "dont worry your pretty little head about things, the grown ups are here to take care of everything," he almost bit his tounge when the pretty little head bit came out but luckily Cas didnt seem to notice. "And when you did it to Sam, Dean, what did it mean" Cas persisted. "It meant that even though he annoyed me sometimes, and I know it irritated him when I did it, it means that i love y-um him." "Oh" Cas replied "Then I probably shouldn't do it to anyone then. "

"Well" said Dean casually "You could do it to me sometimes, just as a joke, if you think I'm being an asshat again." The thought of having his angels hand on ANY part of him, well he just hoped he wasnt blushing. Cas thought it over, then just as they reached the front porch Cas reached out and ruffled Deans short cropped hair. "Is that how you do it?" Cas asked with the head tilt Dean adored. His heart skipped a beat and his mouth was dry as he said "Exactly like that Cas" then not wanting to embarress himself with a chick flick moment entered the house and said "Sammy where's my pie?"

A couple of days later Dean was watching a movie when Cas came in and sat down right next to him on the couch, even though there was space for 3 people on the it. Sam, sitting in an armchair while on his laptop just raised an eyebrow when Dean just sat and didn't bitch about Cas' normal disregard about personal space. Dean caught the look and said "what, I've decided not to be a dick about things Sammy, so don't even say a word. Sam just shrugged and went back to his computer while Cas sat with a fixed look at the tv. "Dean why are they doing that?" Dean then decided that he would have to go back to the start of the movie so Cas could understand without a running commentry. "Hang on I'll make popcorn and we can do this right" he decided.

He came back within a couple of minutes with 3 beers and a huge bowl of popcorn. "Dean," Cas said "I don't eat or drink you know that." "Dude, just chill, you can't enjoy a movie without popcorn." "None for me" said Sam "I'm going to check out the library." "Ok dude but you don't know what you missing" Dean said as he sat down on the other side of Cas.

He hoped that Sam didn't realize that he chose to sit right next to Cas, when he could have sat at the other end. He couldn't thinkof anything to say but, ''I want to snuggle together on the couch with my angel", while true didn't seem appropriate. Thankfully Sam just busied himself getting his laptop and other gear together either didn't notice or at least prentended he didn't.

"See you guys in a couple hours, I'll bring back pizza for dinner." Dean just waved, already engrossed in his movie. Sam grinned to himself, Dean was so obvious sometimes, especially to someone who knew him so well. Sam could read his brother like an open book and knew before Dean did that he loved Cas. This cabin on the lake was an excuse for Dean to wake up and seize the moment before another earth ending tragedy happened.

Dean waited about 10 mins before he lifted his legs up onto the couch and asked if Cas would schooch over just a little. Cas looked a little startled at the odd request and Dean quickly stated that he preffered to stretch out while watching movies and Cas moved to the end. Dean quickly moved the few centremeters that Cas left between them " Leg room" he grinned then ignored any stares from Cas and settled down to enjoy the movie.

Not 5 minutes later he started yawning. He hadn't slept well last night, he barely slept at all since his return from Hell, the nightmares were slowly getting worse since he realized he had a lot more to lose, now he had feelings for Cas. His eyes slowly drooped as the warmth of his angel joined with Castiels' normal smell of cinnamon (dean had a thing for cinnamon) and the remote dropped from his hand as his head slowly landed on Castiels shoulder.

Cas looked a bit shocked at this and tried to shake him awake. Dean just whimpered a little in his sleep and instead of shaking him, placed the arm around Dean instead. The hunter murmered and snuggled closer, his nose buried in Cas' neck where the smell was stronger. The movie fnished and still dean slept. Cas not wanting to disturb him just left the tv running. Dean whimpered in his sleep as a nightmare started, but before it could get him in its grip he heard a familiar raspy voice say "Just let go Dean. I have you" and felt a hand ruffle his hair.

He snuggled closer and wiggled until he was laying flat. He fell even deeper asleep. Sam came home to see his big bad brother curled on the couch, head on Cas' lap, arm flung over the angels leg as if he was afraid someone would steal him.

Sam smiled as Cas looked up and softly asked "Do you mind being Deans teddy bear?" Cas just asked equally softly "Do you know that Dean rarely sleeps at all, and when he does, it was for maybe an hour at a time?" Sam looked shocked at that and left the room ruffling Cas' hair as he passed by, not saying another word except "Good night Cas"

About 4 hours later Dean woke up and stretched hitting Castiel in the nose as his arm raised. "Oh my god Cas, what!" Dean opened his eyes to find himself practically curled around the angel leving him a small space of couch. "Oh my God, I'm sorry dude, I yell at you for invading my personal space, and I can't even keep my shit together long enough for you to enjoy a movie." Dean tried to move without touching his angel anymore than he had to, with his eyes closed, so he couldn't see what an idiot he had made of himself.

He stopped moving when he felt a whisper of breath on his ear. Cas whispered "Did you enjoy your nap dean?" he opened his eyes to see Cas staring at him with a small smile on his lips. He smiled back realizing that that had been the best sleep he had ever had. Cas said "I enjoyed being your teddy bear Dean and would gladly offer his services again. "

Dean blushed and got up trying to disguise the fact that the angels breath had given him a raging boner when Cas remark about being his teddy bear reached his brain. "SAM" he said to himself "I'm going to take of you, just as soon as I take care of me" and disappeared into the bathroom.

the next day Dean kept expecting Sammy to make some comment about teddy bears and Deans' sleeping with them, but Sam was suspiciously quiet on the subject. The day passed resonably free of tension and as he was still tired thought bed sounded good. The fact that he wanted to avoid another night like last night had nothing to do with it. He also didn't intend to give Sam any more ammo. He stripped down to his black boxers and lay down in bed, trying not to remember how good it felt snuggled up to Cas. Holding on to the feeling anyway he slipped into sleep easily and his last thought was "See I DON'T need a teddybear at all Sam."

Cas and Sam were watching tv when Cas silently disappeared. Sam got up ready to tease Cas about taking advantage of his half naked sleeping brother, when the silence was broken by horrifing screams. The voice was raw, sounding like the owner had been screaming like that for years, the sound so bad that Sam winced to hear it, as he realised that the owner had in fact been. Sam raced for Deans room only to find that Cas was already there trying to get his arms around the taller man. Sam was shocked at how terrified Dean sounded, the screams sounding as if they were being ripped from his very soul.

Cas snapped out his wings and wrapped them around Dean and feeling their warmth around him, Deans terror slowly subsided. Sam could see how Cas' presence visibly calmed his brother, smiling a little as Cas moved followed. as if to lose contact with his angel would be the worst thing possible. "I am sorry about my wings Sam" Cas said not looking at him but it was the only thing to get through to Dean. He was too far gone for my voice to reach him." Cas then looked up at Sam and said "I will stay here with him, if that is all right with you." He looked back down at Dean " I will stay with him even it is not all right." Sam just looked at Dean who was still twitching and whimpering and said "Yeah dude, cool, whatever, just one thing. How did you know what was happening with him?"

Cas lay down on the bed with one arm around Deans shoulder. The other mans head snuggled into the hollow of his neck and Deans arm came over his chest and he moved closer. Cas looked up and said "I watch him when he sleeps, every night and I know he has been having nightmares. A single touch on his shoulder is normally enough contact for him to sleep. "I was distracted tonight as I thought that him sleeping on me yesterday may have been enough contact to last for a few hours, but, unfortunately it has had the opposite effect." Sam just looked at Cas with a puzzled look on his face. Cas went on " His normal nightmares deal with his time in hell, occasionly he dreams that instead of taking you out of the house he drops you and didn't save you when you were a baby and your dad blames him for the loss of both you and your mum." Sam looks shocked but before he can say anything Cas continues sadly " Dean has been so emotionally scarred by his time in hell and his feelings of loss, that any feeling of being loved and safe is not believed." Cas looked sad and finished softly "He doesn't believe he deserves to be loved or safe."

"Cas can you can read minds?" Sam sounded shocked and Cas laughed softly stopping when he felt Dean stir "Just Deans and only at times of deep distress. I normally sense his fear and know a nightmare is starting" Cas shrugged the movement causing Dean to whimper and snuggle closer "But I am afraid I have inadvertently done more damage to him by letting him sleep on me. Much as I enjoyed the feeling of Dean in my arms."

Sam looks at Cas with a dawning realisition and blurts "You love Dean, don't you Cas and don't give me that profound bullshit either!" Cas ducks his head shyly and blushes. "Wow dude how long have you loved him?" Cas still doesnt look up preferring to trace the handprint on Deans shoulder. ''Cas" Sam warns. The angel cleared his throat and says"I have loved Dean since before he was born." Cas finally looks up to see a look of surprise on Sams face "I knew you and Dean were destined to be born. As soon as I heard the name Dean Winchester I knew that until then I wa only half a Being. The day he was born I knew my soul was on earth. I have watched him knowing how important he was going to be. Not just to the world but also to me. And before you ask Sam Winchester, No I could not stop him making the deal and going to Hell. My father gave you free will" Cas shrugs "Dean didn't believe in angels." Sam chuckles loudly at that choking it off when Dean stirs. Cas glares at him and snarls, unconciously sounding just like Dean when he says "I will smite you Samuel Winchester if Dean wakes up. And don't even think of teasing Dean about this conversation."

"All right dude keep your wings on my lips are sealed." Something slowly dawns on him and he grins widely. "Dude if you've been watching Dean you must know all about him. You know get every reference. Do you know he uses movie quotes on purpose now?" Cas smirks "Of course I do Sam, but he has so much fun confusing me,"the smirk became a grin "And he loves my whole innocent angel look that i cant deny him this small pleasure."

"First Cas to much info," Sam grimaces "second you are a sneaky son of a bitch" he laughs "Are you ever going to tell Dean any of this. You may have to make the first move on him if you ever want to get anywhere with him, Dean has a lot of hang ups with expressing feelings and the whole fact that youre a dude AND an angel has him tied in knots."

"I can wait Sam" says Cas "I have all the time in the world." Sam gets up and leaves the room shutting the door behind him. Cas glances back down at his hunter and smiles as Dean snuggled deeper and tangles their legs together. The arm around his chest tightens as he whispers "I have been your teddy bear your whole life Dean Winchester and soon you will know it and you will be mine."

The next morning Dean awakens to the smell of cinnamon on his pillow and the sun in his eyes. He feels strangely empty as if a piece of him is missing but he shrugs it off and heads for the shower. Entering the kitchen he falters when he sees two pairs of eyes looking at him and feeling strangely embarressed crossed to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. "Whats on the agenda today guys" he asks sipping his coffee. "Well" Sam answered "The month is up tomorrow and we have to see if Cas is fully healed. " Both hunters glance at him and Dean has a half formed wish that Cas is not healed and has to stay longer. Cas says "I am able to return to Heaven at anytime Sam." Dean heart sinks as he realised Cas will be leaving agan turns to put his cup in the sink. He doesn't hear Sam and Cas leave the room to wrapped in misery at the thought of losing his angel.

"CAS YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM NOW, HES A MISERABLE, CRANKY BASTARD EVEN WHEN YOURE AROUND, HE'S WORSE WHEN YOU ARE GONE! LOOK AT HIM HES DROOPING!" Sam shouts in a whisper to Cas "HE IS HEARTBROKEN AND HE WON'T ADMIT IT!" Cas looks and sees that Sam is right Dean is standing at the sink head bowed, shoulders shaking. "I'm going outside for a while" they hear a choked up voice "I will be ready to leave tomorrow Sam" Deans words trail off almost as if he's holding back tears. They hear the back door swing shut gently and look at each other in surprise at the sound.

"You're right Sam, that is not my Dean." Sam says at the same time"Dude that is not my brother" Sam continues "He has never shut a door quietly in his life. PLEASE Cas make the first move. That stubborn bastard would rather be miserable rather than admit his feelings. I'll stay in town overnight so I won't interrupt, because knowing my big brother itll take you at least that long to get him to admit to feeling anything at all, let alone that youre the best thing to happen to him EVER, and even longer to get him believe he deserves something as great as you in his life."Cas surprised Sam by grabbing him in a huge hug " You are a good man SamWinchester" he awkwardly hugs Cas back and says "Well go get your man tiger" and leaves for town as Cas heads out the back to the lake to find Dean sitting on the dock head on his knees.

"Goddammit Cas wear a bell" Dean nearly leaps into the lake in shock as he feels an arm coming around his shoulders and looks at up Cas with tear drenched eyes. Cas can barely look at the open desolation on Deans face and knowing the reason doesn't have the heart to chide Dean about his blasphemy. "What do you want cas?" Dean snarls when Cas still looks at him wthout speaking "I thought you couldn't wait to get back to get back to your heavenly buddies" and almost inaudibly "away from me." Cas doesn't take offence at Deans tone, knowing that its just his way of coping with the feelings of assumed rejection. He just leans forward slowly. Deans breathing hitching as Cas gets closer. His eyes slowly drift close as Cas' face gets closer and his breath stops as he feels the whisper of Cas' breath on his face, a fraction of a second before feeling the lightest kisses on each of his eyes.

His mind is screaming that his angel is touching him HIS ANGEL IS KISSING HIM and Dean is glad he is sitting because he doesnt think his legs would hold him up. He cant get his mind around the fact that castiel has just kissed him, maybe he should say something. His mind goes blank as Cas lightly brushes a kiss over his lips. He thinks he's dreaming as he hears his angel whisper "I love you Dean Winchester." He knows he is dreaming as Cas continues "ssshhh dean. Just let go I have you." Dean trembles in fear hoping its not a dream and dreading the thought it might be.

"DEAN WINCHESTER THIS IS NOT A DREAM IT IS REAL AND I AM GOING TO HOLD YOU FOREVER!" Dean shakes his head no and tries to explain to Cas how he feels, but he can only sit while his breath hitches. Cas just holds him and a hand slowly strokes his back. Gradually he pulls himself together enough to stammer "But Cas you cant have me I'm not good and pure like you. I dont fucking deserve someone like you in my life. Because of the things I've done. I shouldnt love you. you're so far above me. But God help me Castiel. I cant live without you. I LOVE YOU CASTIEL. Not as a brother.I want you as my partner for life. But its not allowed. "

Dean continues almost inaudibly, if Cas wasnt an angel he wouldnt have heard him. " You're an angel. And I shouldnt have these thoughts about you. But when you touch me Cas I fall apart with longing. And I want you inside me. And I want to be inside you forever. I feel safe and loved when you're near me. And I fucking know I shouldnt feel this way about an angel. But I do. Oh God Castiel I do. Its wrong of me. But like i said i'm just so fucking bad. And youre so good."

Dean looks away unable to look at Cas, tears streaming down his face as his deepest feelings have been laid bare. I'll leave Cas. Ill go somewhere. And never disturb you again with my impure feelings. I'll fucking survive. But I wont live. And I'll remember you all my fucking life. After all I only need half of my soul." He whispers "But if I promise to try to be good will you stay?"

Dean can hear nothing from beside him. Even the arm is gone from his back, and he remembers to late that cas always hates it when Dean uses blashphemy. "GOOD ONE WINCHESTER! YOU'RE SO FUCKING GODDAMN STUPID! YOU DO EVERYTHING WRONG! YOUVE FUCKED UP AGAIN! YOU DID THE ONE FUCKING THING YOU KNOW HE HATES YOU TO DO!" he chokes back a sob "AND" he continues "AFTER YOU JUST YOU WOULD TRY TO BE WORTHY OF HIM"

He tried to get up, only to find he couldnt move as he was wrapped in the warmth of his angels wings." He looked at Cas, his mouth open in surprise. "DEAN WINCHESTER I HAVE LOVED YOU ALL OF YOUR LIFE, AND I AM NEVER LETTING YOU GO" Cas says smiling at him " I HAVE SEEN YOU AT YOUR WORSE, AND I RAISED YOU FROM PERDITION AND YOU THINK I WILL LEAVE YOU NOW. AFTER I SPENT ALL THAT EFFORT REBUILDING YOU!"

Dean blushed and ducked his head in complete embarrassment. Cas put a finger under his chin and raises his face, so Dean has no choice but to look at him. His look of complete awe at the sight of Cas' magnificent wings cradling him caused Cas to blush. "Cas" says Dean reverently "Will it hurt you if I touch your wings?" Cas shyly shakes his head, an uncontrable shudder passing through his body, a tentive hand barely fluttering over the shiny black feathers. "My wings are extremely sensitive to touch" he breathes at Deans quizzical look. Dean", did you mean it when you said" he stopped his voice unsteady as the hand in his wings grew braver "you wanted to be in me forever." Dean can only nod, his heart to full to speak, loving how he could make his angels breath hitch with just a few strokes. "Well, "he said "This is just one way you can be." His last few words were muffled against Deans mouth as he grabs a handful of feathers and leans in and kisses Cas deeply.

Cas was grateful that sam had the foresight to stay in town overnight. Especially as he realised that it wasnt only nightmares that made Dean scream.


End file.
